journal entry

jan 20 2025

well hello! this is my first real entry. i'm clacking away on my mechanical keyboard right now, hoping it isn't too loud.

i am thinking a lot about high school. i went to two different high schools but my brother graduated from the first one, before we moved. his high school reunion is coming up and i did date some of his friends... i havent thought about that in a long time. it's weird to think that these people might see him again. i hope they dont think of me anymore, i was pretty cringey back then...

i was in anime club and math team, which is a really cool combo that tells you a lot about me. i feel like i really struggled to make sense of this world consisting of people who were 2-3 years older than me. i tried really hard tobe an adult, and now i am an adult, and i wonder why i didn't just play in the yard or go to the library or ride my bike. i don't want to be an adult all the time!! it's so unfair.

there are some big changes upcoming, and i'm not sure how i will be able to deal with them. i feel like every time something changes in my life, i just move through the motions without really feeling anything. my brain shuts down and i do what is necessary without doing anything consciously. my feelings shut down, and i don't really know where they go.

i am really struggling with compulsive thoughts lately, and it is hard to get through the day. i am not officially diagnosed with anything but anxiety, and i am off my meds. my brain is okay 90% of the time, which is awesome, and i am very grateful, but damn is it rough when i totally flail and burn out. i lose days to obsessive thoughts and worries of what i am doing in my life, worries about various things

also, there's a big zit on my nose coming in. i always feel like an ugly duckling when i get those, the ones that are under the skin and so painful. i remember rubbing my skin so hard sometimes, trying to get the zits off my face. i look back at pictures of myself from high school and i see the zits, and i remember how much i hated myself for it. i felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. when i have a picture like that, now i see it and i usually use the airbrush tool on it. i know maybe it's wrong to destroy the memory (of zits?) but i think i want to remember myself as as beautiful as the average of my face, since it was never covered 100% by zits, right?

that's all for tonight, it's almost tomorrow. then it won't be tomorrow. they're letting me work from home tomorrow, since it's so cold. it's nearly -20 celsius (-6 F) out, and i think people might not be able to make it to the office... my car died today and i needed a jump from the neighbor. hopefully it'll warm up soon.