jan 22 2025
trigger warnings: bugs, medical
reading: brain on fire by Susannah Cahalan
listening to:
pondering: whether things will feel better soon
wearing: a crumb-covered cardigan
eating: rice and mushroom soup
oh boy it's been a doozy of a few days. i actually ended up giving myself acid reflux with a magnesium supplement and i feel slightly cursed. i eat pretty healthy and i think it was a combiantion of factors: my ibuprofen use for chronic neck pain, the multiple cups of mint tea i drink every day (3-4), my kombucha habit, my love of spicy food, and then i guess this magnesium supplement triggered it. i haven't been to a doctor about it, but i might go in if it gets worse. it seems like it's been getting better though.
i feel like i am so healthy in other aspects, i really try to keep myself in a good state: i'm pescetarian, i drink maybe a glass of wine once a month, i take probiotics, i run a lot, i do yoga, i love other sports, and yet it's all set back by one stupid choice that I MADE to take a supplement that i thought would help.... i'm not gonna take them again but i will be wary of any more supplements in the future.
i think the stress from everything has really been getting to me. i really struggle with obsessive thoughts and they get so much worse when things happen, i don't know exactly why, but medical stuff always triggers it. along with work stress, relationship stress, family stress, etc. my recent thoughts have been about people, ROCD-style, or about bugs and germs. i make it through the day, but the rituals of thought > compulsion > checking is hard to escape. i am always convinced there are bugs everywhere, especially bed bugs or lice. i can't accept anything secondhand until i go through my rituals, and i even get nervous when other people are in my apartment because they might have bugs on their clothes or bags. public transit is hard for me because anyone could have anything! and then i have it!
it's hard to balance this, for example i want to be eco-conscious and save water but i can't not take a shower after get home from outside, even if i just sat in the car (the car could have bugs), went to a cafe (the cafe could have bugs), or even over to a friend's house (they could have bugs). i even shower after work because there are a lot of people there (they could have bugs). i take one shower a day, but if i have to come home and then go to a concert or something, i end up taking two showers. or more, if i have to go to the gym. it's worse in the winter since my skin gets dry and i feel itchy (BUGS) all over.
i have been trying to not act on my compulsions. it will be worse if i move out and get a different apartment. i live in an apartment now but it is safe because i've lived here for so long, i can't explain it. moving means i'll have to mentally shift and deal with an unsafe space until it transmutes into a safe space. really, no space is safe, and anything could happen. but i can sleep here, and i usually can't sleep in hotels or other people's houses because i worry so much. i have been recently good at accepting and respectfully declining to think about my compulsions, which reduces the ruminations.
this is a change from the mentall illness sinkhole i was in for the past few days... i actually ended up sleeping well yesterday despite the heartburn, because i did some meditations about accepting and gently pushing thoughts away. so that's a win.
should this be a personal space? i talked about neocities with my coworker and some friends and they want to make websites too. i don't ever share my tumblr with people i know irl, so i don't know if this would be a step too far. i think i have to have this boundary if i want to keep the space personal and safe for me to do whatever the fuck i want. it needs to be a truly personal space. i am sending my thoughts into The Void basically. i might make a separate site and use some templates from this to show off some html and css stuff. i'm not making complex shit so i think it should be fine. this can be my finsta basically lol. i am wondering if i should just slap a big trigger warning on the journal index because i can imagine i want to write through some of my mental illness related things. gonna go watch some trash tv now...